Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
