The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
