Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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