gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
