I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
