Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
