is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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