I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
