we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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