So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
