I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
