they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
