apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Alive.
So much puke
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
