I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
