Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
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I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
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We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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