ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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