I think I died a long time ago.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
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