im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
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You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
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I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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