Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
