Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
