I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
