Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
