I love black thongs
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm getting married
To pizza
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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