i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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