can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
