Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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