I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
