I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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