Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
