I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
