I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
