Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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