I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
