I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
