we have pet lesbian snakes
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
