My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
