Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
