I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
