I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
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If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
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I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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