Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
