Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
