First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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