I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
