i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
