My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
