we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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