i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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