Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
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still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
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well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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