The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night