Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.