What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
