Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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