we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
