The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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