is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
