Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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