I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
