I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
