remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
