Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I have peed in a lot of sinks
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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