Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
