Jerry, you need to find god
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
