Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
