Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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