Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
